I’ve had the same recurring dream whirl around in my mind, infrequently, for quite a while. It’s not a crystal clear dream but it’s a familiar dream. After a heartfelt and tearful prayer last night for continued guidance, assistance and fellowship with Jesus, my recurring dream revisited me again. There are, as always, what I call the 5 pointers, which process through the caverns of my mind while I sleep.
- Pointer One: The evidence to the reality of God, which includes an internal witness that He exists, in my logical mind, coupled with the evidence that I see in all of the various aspects of His creation. This “awareness” became self evident to me at a youthful age. To me, this is an instinctive awareness, it’s almost like it’s part of me and in fact I think it is. I can’t and I don’t want to separate myself from it and I don’t think I could even if I wanted to. I just can’t deny God’s existence. It seems as if I’ve always known that He is there. God reminds me of this.
- Pointer Two: The connection to the reality of God is positively and firmly connected to the witness of the Christian revelation or Christian Gospel. Our family did not attend church on a regular basis but I did go to church on my own infrequently starting in my early teen years. There has always been an internal witness to what I perceived as “right” and what was “wrong”. And coupled with the internal witness to what is right and wrong is an awareness of separation or disconnection from the source. I was adopted at a very young age and the aspect of being outside of or separate from a unit of belonging is something that has always been with me as long as I can remember. It’s not a disabling awareness but it’s there, hiding in the background, part of the mosaic of what constitutes me. There is a lot of emotional and negative history attached to this awareness and overall it probably accounts for feelings of frustration and anger that were part of my early adult years. A mentality of taking what was perceived as mine to take and the exalting of myself irrespective of the feelings, rights and consideration of others permeated my late teen and early adult years. I was lost and unconnected and sought to fill the void through means that made the void bigger. God reminds me of this.
- Pointer Three: In my mid twenties, God answered my literal heartfelt cry out to Him and opened the door of human witnesses to the exposure of the person of Jesus and the beginning of a very basic understanding of the source. Many failures ensured with my coming to terms with the internal fight that continues to this day. The frequency of failures has radically diminished over time but they are still there, now at deeper layers of the onion skin that I wasn’t even aware of many years ago. My personal inability to perfectly walk before and with my God is a source of anguish that I long to be rid of. I know who and what I am and I know what grace is. And I also know there are additional levels of the onion skin that are only beginning to be accessed. God reminds me of this also.
- Pointer Four: The fourth pointer is an injection of God into my equation of awareness that I did not nor could not orchestrate. It literally was a gift where He in His mercy and for reasons unknown to me to this very day, allowed me to experience His presence in a way that solidifies or anchors my experience of Him. It is a reality that I can never forget nor do I want to. I was aware of His holiness in a way that defies explanation, I was aware of the difference between He and I that goes beyond words and I was aware of His love for me that I can never ever forget. All I know is that I never wanted to leave His loving presence, ever. All the voids were gone, all the anguish disappeared and I was so absolutely complete in His presence that it is impossible to explain in words. If it had of been up to me I would have never left that state that He allowed me to experience, but it was only a taste, a snippet of awareness, that dissipated into normality and I was back to being here. That love that I experienced in that snippet of time is what keeps me coming back, the awareness of His love that defies the logic of my failures, and is so much bigger than anything I can articulate. It boggles my mind that He can love like that but He does and I am so grateful for that taste. God reminds me of what He allowed me to know and experience, totally undeserved yet it happened.
- Pointer Five: The last pointer is the here and now. The here and now is not easy. The here and now is about maintaining a closeness to Him but at a far far less intensity of what I previously tasted. You see, I keep asking for more of Him while becoming more and more aware of the need for less of me. I frequently ask God to fulfill His will in my life in spite of my inconsistency, in spite of my lack of dedication, in spite of my sometimes shallow attempts. There are only three things that I am aware of in normalcy that bring me closer to Him. His Word, prayer and the total grace of His Holy Spirit working in and through me. I can draw close to Him by studying and meditating on His Word, I can draw close to Him by spending time in prayer but the latter, the working of His Holy Spirit in and through me is totally outside of my control. He initiates that working and when it happens, albeit too infrequently, there is no work involved, He is the author and all that is needed is provided.
Summary: This is always God’s answer to my heartfelt prayers. I keep hoping for more of what I once tasted. I keep thinking maybe He will personally visit me where I can see Him. I keep hoping that He will let me experience another side of Him that I have not previously experienced but it doesn’t happen. I’m in what He calls the “continuing on” stage, where my reliance of Him grows our of necessity because He has my heart and the body is following behind. I can’t explain His love for me or for you. I just know that it is there. And, if my experience of being in His presence tells me anything at all, His love for us surpasses anything that we can imagine. It is literally impossible to articulate. We can’t earn it, we never could. It’s just who He is. He is Holy, He is perfect and if we accept the love, grace and mercy of God’s Son, Jesus, and what He did for us, we are, in spite of our shortcomings, which we do need to confess, perfect in His sight. The only thing we need to do is keep focused on Him.
Worthy is the Lamb! Blessings!