I don’t know what it is as of late but it’s definitely there. I just can’t seem to get past it. It’s not that I don’t see what’s on the other side and it’s not that I don’t hear God’s words of reassurance, I can see beyond this physical world and I can hear the words that God has given us. And it’s not about unbelief and it’s not about not caring. I do believe and I do care and my trust is indeed in Jesus. In fact, it’s solely because of Him that I have any hope at all. And I am so thankful for His love, grace and mercy.
Maybe it’s because this body of mine is dealing with old age and I can’t ignore it anymore. Maybe it’s because I know my time is short and I don’t want any loose ends left behind. It’s not enough that I trust and have faith in Jesus, I desperately need to see those that I do love, who do not know Him, come to know Him, before I leave this world. Maybe it’s because I find it difficult to understand my own short sightedness and maybe it’s because it seems like so many are on a merry go round and the music is coming to an end and we’re all still fighting to find our horse and getting the horse doesn’t really matter at all. Far too many chose the wrong path and don’t even know it.
The incompleteness that I see in myself and others, especially those that I love, really bothers me. How can we leave this world behind knowing that so many of those that we love and deeply care for haven’t even looked into the reality of who Jesus is. And I pray, with tears, I repeatedly pray, but I don’t see any change and it tears me apart. Not only do I not see any change but it seems to get worse. Those whose minds and hearts are opposed to God keep reaffirming their apathy, time and time again. We are all so short sighted, we are all so blind. And what also hurts is my own example falls so short, the light that illuminates from me hardly registers a consideration. I think of all the times when I failed to demonstrate the grace that has been shown and given to me, to others. And I also think of how quickly what we have done for those that we love is forgotten, our sacrifices and demonstrations of selflessness evaporating away into the nothingness of the past, much like what we do with God’s demonstrations of goodness to us in the past.
If it was just me I’m thinking it would be fine but it isn’t just me. The reality is that all will not be saved. The reality is that some of those that I love with all of my heart will truly be left behind. And there is a deep sadness that I can’t seem to shake off. I trust God to deal with my own incompleteness when I am changed and see Him face to face. It’s the others that bother me. Like the sinking of the Titanic, if I knew they were in the life boats I could leave this world behind but for so many, they’re not in the lifeboats, in fact, for far too many, they don’t even know the ship is sinking. Loose ends, unanswered questions about their fate, much sadness.
I know that even here, with this sadness, I must trust God. Knowing it is one thing, allowing it to change what I see and feel is another. Many times God has shown me in the past that just because I cannot see what He has been doing, does not negate what He has been and is doing. He still does things that I am not aware of, He still can do the impossible, even when I think there is no hope, even when I think the door has been shut. So many times He has done this, with me and with others that I have been involved with. So I must trust, I must disregard what I see and I must focus on His goodness and His mercy that He has demonstrated to me so many many times before. I am mindful of Nabeel Qureshi’s passing, when Nabeel pretty well knew that the end was near. He didn’t want to have his life on earth to come to an end and leave his wife and daughter behind, but he said, even here, he trusted God.
I’m thinking that all of us will someday hit this wall. I’m also thinking that I wrote this for me but maybe in God’s grace, it’s for you too.
Worthy is the Lamb! Blessings!